Superfail! (aliaspiral) wrote,

Wednesday Blues

Hey, other people who watch Gilmore Girls and stalk Scott Patterson, why didnt you tell me about the cool little blurb about him on MSN Money?

was reading through and came across it here. Scroll down to "I Knew I would have to earn this." Kinda random, but neat to read about him being a starving actor.

Im so down lately. i hate being this mopey. brandus is all worried. im fine, just..sad. im not liking my job, but im all paralyzed about doing something else, especially since i am less than 5 classes away from getting a Master's in Special Ed that my dad is paying for. *mopes around on floor* anybody got a decent job for an over educated, underpaid, listless special ed teacher who doesnt want to teach anymore?

DU offers Library Science, which might be cool, especially because they give scholarships for up to 50% of tution automatically.. but with Brandus just getting back into school, me being anal and worried about money, and the money my dad is spending to educate me, id feel really crappy about quitting on my Master's this close to the end. or changing programs. or asking him to pay for a completely different program.

See, ive been through this, "i dont want to be a teacher!!" crisis before. when i was still in college. my junior year of college i went through this, and decided NO. but there was no way i was going to change majors that late in the game, so i stayed and hated every second of my advisor (who hated me), my student teaching (where i was tolerated for being stupid, or something), and anything having to do with teaching.

its only through a series of very bizarre events and some nepotism that im working as a teacher now. and i do like working with the kids, and i dont mind the lesson planning. i dont know. i just dont want to be here anymore. i dont want to deal with parents who dont like me, dont belive me when i say their precious child skipped my class, administrators who are constantly asking me to check my paperwork because i screwed something up again, co-workers who sit around and ask me extremely stupid questions..(i really really hate sharing a classroom), giving up nights and weekends to get kids to jobs, or for parent/teacher conferences where no one comes anyway...


but then there is the other side of the problem. well then, i dont want to be a teacher, what do i want to do? what am i good at? what even, do i like?

the liking stuff is easy, but building a career on it? art? writing? not very probable. even though ive decided im going to try and write a couple of kids picture books. ill let you know how it goes, if you care. if anyone besides Shan has read this far.

sorry for the whining. but i needed to talk about it, or write about it, or pick a verb about it, or whatever. and i know i am actually depressed, because im not craving ice cream. ben and jerrys is for when i am stressed or anxious. when im depressed i have to remember to eat.

*curls up under desk and hugs teddy bear*

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