I feel like crap. When Im at work and busy, I'm ok, I can brush it off. Push it away. Repress.
At home, I feel like I want to throw up.
This summer was awesome. I didn't work much, which resulted in some interesting financial situations this month, but whatever, and I read and walked and spent time outside and learned to crochet and traveled and relaxed, and it was amazing.
And then school.
Again, school. My eighth year, I think. Doing something I know I don't like, and requires me to be on anti anxiety/anti depression meds just to function normally within the job.
Last night I couldn't sleep because I wanted to puke. I havent. Im not nauseous. I just gag a little when I think about work. I have the URGE to puke. My stomach is very unhappy with me, although it might also be related to the stress eating. This weekend I ate two boxes of chocolate covered almonds. Of course, I didnt really eat anything ELSE.
im not at the xanax point yet, but i dread the thought of having to go back to the doctor to get my dosage adjusted up because of my damn JOB. That is my anxiety. My job with my fucking crazy principal, my awesome/stressful/crazy children, my long fucking drive, and now, my lack of Teacher Assistant.
And sure, it's easy to say that I should just get another job, but kids, this is my skillset. This is what Im trained to do. And we can't make it without my salary. We barely make it some months as it is. I can't switch jobs. I dont want to go back to school or for new training unless it's free or i KNOW it's what I want to do. And I dont know what I want to do. Most days I dont even know what I want for lunch, much less what i want to be DOING.
And all I want to do is be left alone.
*pulls covers over head*
Fuck that. Someone gimme some drama or Firefly prompts.