Summery: Prequel to Not Exactly Subtle - or, more specifically, Jayne makes some promises.
I, Jayne Theodore Cobb, take this woman to be my lawfully wedded wife. I promise to only have sexual relations with her, to provide her with a house and a garden within the next three years, to raise our children together as partners, and to never let her lay hands on a gun if I can help it.
(I mean it. No guns. Knives? I dunno. We'll talk about it. Hey! Put Binky back in her sheath, we're at a wedding!)
I also promise to discuss major decisions, like robbing banks or going to see my mother, in advance of said event occurring. I will buy her a new pair of dancing shoes and will dance with her in the privacy of our own place once a month, and will dance at least three dances with her at any public event we attend in which there is dancing.
I will cook for the two of us and any children that might result from our union,
(Do we gotta use that word? It sounds dirty.)
as she can't boil water without burning it, so long as she does the clean up. I'll also try to teach her to cook, so if I am out on a job, I know she won't starve to death.
(Yeah, I mean "try." I ain't a miracle worker. Now, stop interrupting.)
I will raise any children, should we have any, to believe that women can kick as much ass as men can, and can do it by being a lot more bendy. I'll also teach them how to fish and do laundry, so next time she shrinks my shirts, she has somebody else to blame it on.
(That was my favorite shirt, woman.)
I promise to refrain from calling her brother names except when he puts his foot in it with Kaylee or when the Captain is making fun of him too. I won't get him drunk and leave him naked in the middle of town ever again, even though it was hilarious. I also won't turn her or her brother in to the Fed's, no matter how big the reward gets.
(Whatta mean, the credits would be half yours, anyway? Oh, yeah, right. Wedding.)
I will give her well thought out gifts for her birthday and our anniversary, so long as she reminds me at least two weeks in advance. If I'm out on a job and it goes well, I'll try and remember to bring her home a little something, whether that's a flower or a pretty dress, if we got the coin.
I won't drink up all our money, and will hand over all of my income minus ten percent for her to pay bills and save and whatever else she wants to do with it.
(I don't got no need for an investment portfolio. No, I don't. Look, I already said you could do whatever the hell you wanted with it! Buy a ship, bury it in the backyard, do whatever!)
I will help her brush out her hair and learn to braid, and if our daughters, should we have any, need help with their hair, I won't claim to be too manly to do it.
I'll shave my beard
(You're heartless, woman. I like my face the way it is.)
but will renegotiate growing it back after she's gotten more used to sex and isn't so ticklish.
I promise all this to this woman, River Elizabeth Tam, and will uphold my word so long as she'll have me.
(Girl, are you crying? I ain't saying I think you're gonna run off with Mal or nothing, just that it's your choice if you wanna change this.
Why? Whatta mean, why?
I made my choice. That's why we're standing here.
Oh, shut it, I ain't romantic.)
I will listen to her pledge and promises and will seal the contract with a kiss.
(On the lips, even. So there.)