And she did. and it was good. it was both hot and hysterical, which is something i have yet to be able to do.
But then..i got to thinking (and snickering, cause, really, hysterical) about it and about the aftermath, and today..well, today i didnt want to work, or something, but regardless...i wrote a follow up. Without porn, sadly. but lots of talk of panties.
Title: The Crash
Summery: Following The Crush...did River ever stop with the potpourri? Did the crew find out? Can Jayne think of anything except for River's panties?
It had been over a month since he found out why she was doing it, but the gorram girl was still putting potpourri in his underwear drawer.
The scary thing was that he didn't even really notice the little bags of stuff anymore; he just grabbed his boxers, sniffed 'em to make sure they were clean, then spent the rest of the day thinking about her panties and territorial warfare.
It was all kinds of distracting.
Especially because he couldn't just walk around with her panties on his mind without wanting to touch her. They were keeping things on the down low, because even though she rolled her eyes, he still wasn't convinced he would live long enough for her to stop them from killing him. Her brother had an entire infirmary full of drugs at his beck and call, and one of them was bound to make someone's willie fall off the instant the doc found out what his sweet little mei mei got up to in her spare time.
Thinking about what she did get up to in her spare time had Jayne nearly walking into the doorjamb on his way up to breakfast.
He shook his head hard, stumbling into the mess.
River was already sitting there, looking as innocent as you please, next to her brother. She was wearing one of her little girl dresses, the ones that her brother had bought her 'cause he couldn't remember she weren't fourteen anymore.
And gorrammitall if that dress didn't turn him on six ways from Sunday.
Jayne wasn't sure if she was rebelling on the inside or what, but whenever she wore those little girl dresses, she generally didn't wear a damn thing underneath. And if she did, it weren't more than the teeniest scrap of cloth that left her whole backside nearly bare.
It was pretty damn obvious that the doc didn't buy his sister's panties. A fact Jayne thanked God and Buddha for every single day. Especially the little black lacy ones. They had a bow, but those things were sheer clear through. He loved those panties. He was sure his boxers wouldn't mind the tussle with them things.
The girl looked up at him from under her hair and batted her eyelashes.
Great. Now she was flirting at the dinner table.
"It's breakfast," she told him with a giggle.
Her talking called everyone else's attention to the fact he'd been standing in the doorway for about five minutes, just staring at her. He winced. He just hoped he hadn't been leering or panting or doing anything else that would let the whole world know that he spent too much time thinking about her panties. Or her not-panties. Whichever.
The Captain raised an eyebrow, but didn't say anything as Jayne sank down into the only available seat. Right beside her.
"Where you been lately, Jayne?" Kaylee asked cheerfully. "I ain't seen you down lifting weights in a dog's age."
"Oh," he started, mind racing to think up something plausible. "I been busy."
Yeah, that was smooth.
"Busy doing what?"
He could almost swear Zoë was laughing at him. He narrowed his eyes at her suspiciously. "Uh. Cleaning up all my weapons." He nodded quickly. "I haven't been paying enough attention to my knives lately."
"I want to go on birth control," River suddenly annouced.
Jayne choked. Oh God, this was it. He looked around frantically through his coughing, but no one was going for their guns, and Mal was busy pouring syrup over his entire plate.
Maybe he had imagined it. Maybe she hadn't really said it. Maybe he was just going crazy.
"There are different kinds, mei mei. Do you want pills, patches, or shots?" Simon turned to look at his sister. His expression was only mildly curious. "They all work slightly differently."
River wrinkled her nose in thought, seemingly oblivious to the dying man on her other side. "Don't know."
Simon nodded, turning back to his meal. "We'll go do a checkup after breakfast."
River pouted at her brother. "I had a checkup yesterday."
"Different kind of checkup, River." Simon sipped at his tea. "I'll have to do an internal exam to make sure there are no problems before you start any hormones. Then we'll talk about options."
Jayne managed a strangled noise. The whole ship had gone insane.
Everyone turned to look at him curiously.
River turned to him with wide eyes. "What's wrong, Jayne?" She asked innocently. She frowned thoughtfully. "Do you have a preference as to my type of birth control?"
If he wasn't so busy choking to death, he might have a heart attack. Maybe he could save himself some time and shoot himself in the head. Put him out of this misery. He grabbed for his water, trying to clear his airway enough to be able to stick up for himself. And deny ever seeing the crazy girl naked. Much less multiple times of naked.
Simon looked up from his plate, studying Jayne's red face. "Most men don't care," he said helpfully. "But the different kinds will react differently to her body chemistry." He took a bite of oatmeal. "Many women like the pill," he told both his sister and the shocked mercenary, "but I don't know that would be a good choice for you, River. You'd have to remember to take it everyday at about the same time." He turned back to Jayne, who was just getting his breathing under control. "You might have to remind her."
"What?!" Jayne clutched his hair in his hands. "What the gorram hell is going on?"
"Breakfast," Kaylee reminded him. "Do you not like your oatmeal?"
A smile curved the corners of her mouth up, and he KNEW Zoe was fighting the urge to laugh. He glared at them both, turning back to the girl and her brother.
She frowned at him disapprovingly. "If you plan to continue having intercourse with her, you shall need to start using her name more," she informed him.
Intercourse. Jayne froze. He stared around the table in panic, but no one was even reacting.
Mal looked up at him, and Jayne's heart stuttered. This was it. He was going to die.
"This is true," Mal said. "Girls usually like being called by their names. But can we not talk about you and Jayne having intercourse at the table, little one?"
Jayne's mind was spinning. If he had a paper bag, he would think about hyperventilating.
River smiled cheerfully at Mal. "Don't worry, Captain!" she sang. "Jayne and I have never had intercourse at the table." She frowned thoughtfully. "We have yet to have intercourse on any tables." She looked at Jayne. "We need to remedy that."
Jayne nodded dumbly. "Ok." Obviously, he was dreaming. Or already dead. He looked around the table at the chatting crew, and couldn't hold it in anymore, demanding, "Don't nobody care that I'm sexing up the crazy girl?"
"I care," Simon offered. "But that's why we're discussing birth control." He finished his glass of water and turned back to his sister, "Do you want to do the checkup now?"
River made a face. "Later. Jayne is confused."
"That isn't new, mei mei." He dropped a kiss on the top of her head. "Come find me when you're ready." His leaving seemed to signal the rest of the crew, and before he knew it, he and River were the only ones left at the table.
"Would you like to have sex now?" She asked eagerly. "The table is clean!"
Jayne shook his head slowly. "No."
River blinked. "Why not?"
"'Cause that's what they're waiting for," he told her solemnly. His hands were pressed flat to the table, and he was busy trying to resign himself to his fate.
River looked confused, so he elaborated. "Just as soon as we gets involved, maybe when I get your panties off, they'll come swooping in." He sighed. "And then there I'll be, pretty girl half naked in my lap, thinking I'm the luckiest hun dan's ever been born," he said wistfully. "And then they'll kill me. Slowly. Or maybe send me naked out the airlock. I ain't real sure."
River laughed in delight. "Silly Jayne," she giggled. "They can't catch you removing undergarments if she isn't wearing any!" Standing, she turned her back to him, lifting her dress far enough so she could wiggle her bare bottom at him.
He slid a hand up to rest on her backside and squeezed without thinking about it. He contemplated the bottom in front of him gloomily, bringing both hands up from her thighs and spreading her legs further. "Alright," he grumped as he unbuckled his belt and leaned her over the table. "But if I get shot in the ass, it's all your fault."
Gorram girl just laughed.