Superfail! (aliaspiral) wrote,

Crab Cakes

Ok, so we recently got an aquarium. i like it. i like fish. Senor says, "oh, dont worry, ill take care of it." i say, "ok. dont buy anything too weird."

so we have a nice 20 gallon high aquarium downstairs in the kitchen/living room passthrough window thing.

we fill it with several fish. Thelma and Louise, Heckle, Jeckle and Mr. Jinx, Gollum, Dobby, Spike, And Dude. we also have a small, only mildly creepy crab named Jacques. i make fish faces at them, and ask Brandus again if they will try to eat each other or anything.

so then, brandus brings home a 5 gallon tank to go on his bedside table upstairs. i say, "..."

he says, "look at the weird fish and creepy crab i bought!"

this creepy crab? not like jacques at all. he is bright red, has 2 large claws, and wants to eat my face. i can tell.

i express my concern, mainly through screeching, "get that thing away from me!" and refusing to lie on his side of the bed.

one night, i wake up. i check the clock, its the buttcrack of dawn. brandus is standing in front of the small aquarium, lifting the lid, poking at the plants.

"what are you doing?"

absently, "i cant find the crab. go back to sleep."

i freeze. i check my hair. i decide now is a good time to stand on the bed, just in case.

"oh, here he is. he crawled into the filter."

the filter. the filter that he has to climb UP and OUT of the aquarium to hang out in. i express my concern again. "that thing needs to go downstairs! its going to climb out and eat my face!"

"dont worry! ill move him tomorrow."

did creepy crab move tomorrow? nope, brandus forgot..and anyway, "he's not going to climb out."

so, i get up in the morning, leaving brandus sleeping peacefully. this peace was shattered as i shrieked. "ITS ON THE FLOOR! ITS GOING TO EAT MY FEET!!!" as it skuttled across the floor towards me and tried to hide under the bed.

brandus, poor boy, levitates as i yell. im not exactly coherant, so he might be thinking im being attacked by a giant mutant crab with swords for claws.

so, creepy crab finally moves to the big aquarium, where he cant climb out. i know, because i walk by and look to make sure he is there.

several days go by, and it occurs to me...i havent seen Jacques in a while. i tell Senor.

"dont worry, he's in there."

i keep looking. not seeing Jacques, express concern that he is dead somewhere inside the castle thing.

"ill look."

fabulous, thanks.

another day goes by, and i am folding clothes UPSTAIRS, when i look down and see a small claw by my feet.

its Jacques claw.

with no Jacques.

in a room where Jacques has never been.

Jacques is definitely gone. and we dont know how or when or where.

brandus thinks the kittens got him. which is possible, only we have a lid on the aquarium for that reason.

my theory? the creepy crab had gone downstairs and assasinated him, then crawled back upstairs and was only a few feet away from getting back into the little aquarium when i caught him.

the red crab is evil.
Tags: funny

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